Shopping together, staying together

With special thanks for J. A. Vas for sharing!

Shopping together, staying together

By Focus on the Family Malaysia

A fridge, a washing machine… Have you and your spouse bought any such household item together lately?  Believe it or not, a recent study on relationship commitment shows buying decisions like these can be a significant pointer to your ability to stay together!

Couples with greater levels of commitment spend more of their money on major purchases for their home. But before you go on a spending spree just to save your marriage, realise that such purchases are only an indication! They are not the cause of deep commitment and long-term hope in the relationship.

Have you recently thought about what it will take to stay together for a lifetime? Love, of course, will keep you together, but the problem is that love tends to evaporate from most relationships after a while.  Relationship experts agree that very, very few relationships remain consistently satisfying when the only adhesives holding them together are romance and sexual attraction.

Fortunately, there is more to love than just emotional flutterings. The type of love that lasts is a decision rather than a feeling. The really good news is that when you hold to that decision, you can fall back into love again as well.

Like it or not, we live in a divorce culture. I believe the most basic cause is the short supply of the most central ingredient that makes our significant relationships work – commitment.

I had to counsel two friends who were considering separating. Sadly, they parted in the end.  As we explored together what was missing in their relationship, something startling began to emerge. The husband wanted OUT, with a capital O!

Probing into his reasons, it became clear he had had his fingers crossed as he made his vows on his wedding day, figuratively speaking.  He had told himself that if it didn’t work, he could always get out. Not a great start to what is supposed to have been a lifelong commitment!

There is no doubt that commitment is a major source of security in relationships.  Love is not love without commitment. However, with commitment comes a certain amount of grieving – when we commit to one, we have to give up the possibility of others.  If one commits to a course in chemistry, then you may have to miss out on some wonderful and stimulating history lessons.

In an intimate relationship, a true commitment to one person means you are saying “yes” to that person and “no” to every other contender for that position in your heart.  And it’s “no”, not just to current and past contenders but to every potential future contender as well, even if that person is more exciting, richer and more gorgeous than your current partner.

But this is a generation that is skilled in keeping their options open, often fuelled by the underlying fear that if I commit, something better might turn up.

Individualism has taught us to look out for ourselves.  “What I want” rates far more highly than the sacrifices it takes to build a life with another person!  But “what I want” may be incompatible with the “wants” of another – even the person I am passionately attracted to.

To dredge up a psychological term, we are experiencing the fruits of the privatisation of conscience – a phenomenon distinct to our culture and time.  We tend not to care what others – even our significant others – think and feel.

Our culture actually encourages us to believe that only our point of view is correct.  But think about it: is it at all likely that you are the only arbiter of truth, particularly if your truth is eroding your relationship with someone you love and need?

But to build significant, loving and faithful relationships, commitment must be the cornerstone.

Commitment involves a decision of my will, a fair amount of altruism, keeping my promise, and a long-haul view.

My will – in that I decide to buy into the relationship and not just walk away for ease of convenience.

Altruism – in that I am prepared to seek the good of someone else, even when there’s no immediate pay off for both of us.

And finally, a long-haul view – because a vision for the future gets me over the speed bumps of today.  In the absence of a long-haul view, as humans we are apt to go for the immediate pay off.

In relationships where the commitment picture is unclear, neither party will tend to invest. We don’t invest in banks that are shaky, and we tend to apply the same rationale to our relationships.

There is also a principle that whatever we invest in and give energy to, we bond with. That’s why talking about your life together in the future is so important today! This increases the shared bond and nourishes your commitment.

Say “yes” to your marriage. Make your spouse part of your ‘life plan’. Make your investments in your relationship a regular thing. Get in there and show love, warmth, care, affection and verbal appreciation.

Acknowledge that marriage and ‘buying in’ is risky, but the statistics clearly show that in terms of long-term satisfaction and contentment, it’s the best investment you can make.

Trust is the glue of relationship. Show your commitment by investing; this makes it easier for your spouse to trust you and to invest heavily as well. That in turn will feed commitment and trust. (Trust, by the way, is the rocket fuel of passion – particularly for the spouse!  Need to say more …?)

Here are some tips on building a happy marriage.

• When you arrive home, greet each other first, even before the children or the dog. It will give your children the wonderful message that Mummy and Daddy love each other. This is the best message about security that you can give your children.
• Set aside a time to connect each day and to hear each other’s heart. Ask “What three things happened today and how do you feel about them?”
• Try opposing selfishness and practising thoughtfulness. Three times a day, do something you don’t want to but you know your spouse loves (remember altruism!). That could be tidying up or saying ‘I love you”.  Be team-centred – remember you are building a life together and you’re in this commitment together.
• Tell your spouse often why you love him/her. Be specific – I love the way you are so organised. I love your optimism and how you care for our children…

The Four Seasons of Life, The Four Seasons of Love

The Four Seasons of Life, The Four Seasons of Love

Often times in conversations with friends or clients, I have used the analogy of the four seasons to assimilate the happenings of daily life and relationship challenges that happened in my as well as their lives. It is a positive thinking exercise and a very effective tool that can help one handle upsetting situations cleverly and realistically.

Life is not about what ‘we’ want it to be. Life is a free-flowing force that is so powerful, wise and miraculous. We can’t simply belittle it just because we may not get the wisdom behind it sometimes. Things happen for a reason, and things eventually fall into their places. So why push, pull, precipitate, complain, and so on. Repeating such unproductive/ negative attitudes only serve as a poison we inject into our blood.

The Four Seasons of Life, The Four Seasons of Love Exercise:

Image via Wikipedia

This is a visualization technique that I use to help me – and my clients – see incidents for what they are, make life more manageable and overcome challenges with positivity.

Here is how it goes.

In the past, whenever I had a gloomy day at work, or with my family, I’d look at it as a grey and cold winter day, with strong winds sometimes. Similarly, whenever my partner and I entered a gloomy phase of mutual discomfort, due to some misunderstanding, in which I felt I had not caused in any way, or if the subject of argument to me was no big a deal – instead of cursing the day and firing out my rage right at him – mentally, I’d declare it a grey winter day. On such weather, I’d go back to my comfort zone, treat myself to a hot and comforting drink, and stay in till the sun came out. Meanwhile, I’d contemplate what happened, why, and how we can solve the problem. If I realized that the problem had been caused by me in any way, I’d start thinking of a solution or a way to make up for what I did. If the result of my reasoning was that it was something my partner did or said that upset me, or if it was a simple misunderstanding – which as silly as it sounds can lead to major and upsetting arguments- I’d wait until it is the appropriate time to address and discuss it calmly, find a solution for it and then makeup.

At all times, I’d try to stay away from that gloomy weather as much as I could, since rain and cold make us sick. Similarly, going back to a heated situation – especially when one is not yet ready- can only make it worse. Arguments can have toxic effects on both parties, and may eventually cause us to become ill, whether emotionally or physically. So, by exercising such way of positive thinking, I have learned to make the most of life’s happenings, and instead of wasting a long time being upset and sad around a particular matter, I’d see it assertively as a winter phase, which will end sometime in the future, and the sun would come out again to shed on the world abundant positive feelings, like friendliness, empathy, gratitude, loyalty, happiness, etc.

Meanwhile, by visualizing that I was staying in, enjoying my treat, contemplating what had happened, I’d give myself and the other person (my sibling, partner, child, co-worker, etc.) a chance to calm down and reflect on what had happened. Instead of obsessing about it all day, I’d go about living my regular life in the most ordinary way. One bad thing, in my opinion, should not and does not deserve to spoil the other aspects of my life. Things fall into their places, when we handle them wisely. However, the least I can do in any heated situation is to mainly reflect on the part I had played in it. No one is perfect and certainly misunderstandings happen.

On the other hand, some challenges may be the product of a purposeful harmful act by others, and that too deserves contemplation, so we learn how to handle it. Yet, if we are going to allow ourselves to get dragged into an escalating negative emotional havoc, we then may not be capable of finding a solution for it. So at all times, stay away from negative energy and angry situations for a while, reflect then choose the right time (when the clouds clear out) to handle it.

The winter analogy can also be applied to one’s disrupting their diet. We are all guilty of that one time or another. We love our bodies, yet sticking to a regime may be challenging sometimes. Treating a messed-up dieting day like a tough winter day, on which it was difficult to commit, helps free us from the blocking feelings of guilt and self-loathing. You may have needed the comfort of a hot chocolate, a chocolate bar, a creamy soup, etc. This is certainly not a sin. It is OK. Life will go on, and you can go back to your regime, when the sun comes out, and you feel energetic, determined and active.

Certainly, this technique wasn’t there all my life. I have developed it through experience as a way of seeing problematic situations as “temporary” occurrences.

Living life as is, and not as ‘it is supposed to be’, may make it easier for us to accept its challenges, and rather rise above them with resilience. Unrealistic expectations, dreams, myths, gossip, etc. may never solve a problem, and most importantly, they may never become real. What we are left with then is illusion, and this is very lonely and cold place to be in.

What about the other seasons? They all work. This is how.

In fall, it is chilly yet it doesn’t take our eyes much time to see the beauty behind that cool weather. Similarly, some misunderstandings between two friends, sisters, brothers, etc. can occur but it may not take them a while to realize that the beauty of their friendship is worth coming forth and resolving the problem at hand.

How about spring and summer?

Well, in spring, things start to green and brighten up. The skies clear up, and the trees start to blossom. Similarly, this is usually the phase where a friendship or a relationship start showing off its beauty, and reflecting that in enjoyable feelings, whose sweetness we savor at all times. Usually, this period of bliss leaves the best memories especially that they mark their contrast upon happening after a period of coldness, absence from your loved ones (at work, on a business trip, normal everyday business, etc.) or fights. When winter resolves, spring shines its happiness in our hearts, and warms the body with blood that is pumped in it with strong palpitations.

Summer is usually a hard-core fun time (a trip somewhere nice, a good phase of achievement at work, some cool gatherings, etc.) This is where we regain our balance and renew our energy, or refill some trying to save for upcoming winter times. These happy deposits forge their memories into our hearts, souls and brains, and they are the ones that help us give the other person benefit of the doubt, when negative/unhappy occurrences happen.

There’s so much beauty in the world for the eyes to behold. It’s just a matter of observing it or not.

No one is perfect, not us nor them. So why assume that in the first place? This is only bound to hurt us more than them.

Hope this technique helps you like it has helped me. Allow your soul to embrace the beauty of other souls and things around you.

~~Peace upon you all~~

Copyright 2012 Wisdom Within Consultancy. All Rights Reserved for Wisdom Within Consultancy, Wisdom Within Coaching.

Good & Bad Are Two Great Teachers

Image by mikebaird via Flickr

One of the miracles in our lives is that we are constantly faced by two great teachers: The Good & The Bad. The Good may teach us a lot of good things, but The Bad can teach us profound lessons that may be crucially decisive in the choices we make in our lives.

Life can be so tricky sometimes. We face the good and the bad, yet we may never notice that both currents are teaching us a lot of valuable lessons. It is almost like we get in between two strong yet contradicting waves, each pushing us towards a different direction.

Live your life to best spiritual standards you can get, consult your conscience as often as you can, feel your pain as well as others, contemplate, meditate and celebrate. Then, you will be more likely to stop focusing on your own worries and fears of failure and you will commit to a better plan of actions with the insight that no matter what downs you get, you will still benefit from them by learning to avoid them in future endeavors.

The following is a short story by the famous inspirational writer, Paolo Cuelho, that recommends considering the good and the bad are two great teachers, to find the good even in the bad, with the objective of learning and moving on to better destinations.

“The master met one night with his disciples, and asked them to
build a campfire so they could sit and talk. “The spiritual path is
like a fire that burns before us,” he said. “A man who wants to light
the fire has to bear with the disagreeable smoke that makes it difficult
for him to breathe, and brings tears to his eyes. That is how his faith
is rediscovered. However, once the fire is rekindled, the smoke
disappears, and the flames illuminate everything around him — providing
heat and tranquility.” “But what if someone else lights the fire for
him?” asked one of the disciples. “And if someone helps us to avoid the
smoke?” “If someone does that, he is a false master. A master
capable of taking the fire to wherever he desires, or of extinguishing
it whenever he wants to do so. And, since he has taught no one how to
light the fire, he is likely to leave everyone in the darkness.”

Peace and love to everyone who’s reading my posts.

Razan