When Do You Decide Enough Is Enough?

I’ve been wondering all day what makes one say “Enough is enough”?

When does one draw the line between what’s been going on in the past and what will happen in the future?

Where does the decisions to stop accepting old patterns, conjure up a long-awaited strength, and look for a better alternative, come from?

Does it come from our hearts, minds or souls? Or is it a mixture of all?

I recall in the past that whenever I didn’t listen to my intuition, which was telling me to do or reject doing something, I always ended up regretting it. Therefore, a long time ago, I learned that whenever there was a contradiction between my heart and mind, to always follow my intuition (i.e. heart or hunch).

The mind can be tricked yet it is there to serve a purpose. Most people across history have believed that emotions are there to delude us; that following them leads to misery. Therefore, mind has always been given the preference and the value to be labelled as ‘the decision-maker’ and the ‘manager’ of everything that has been going on in our brains.

Yet, what is science is proving nowadays is that the most authentic resource of our true preferences towards matters comes from our emotions. They are like miraculously individual inner compasses that are not lured or affected by opinions, appearances, benefits, etc. Each person has an inner compass that points in an independent direction that is not ruled by society or one’s mind. It talks to us through the inner hunches we may experience. That is why it is such a waste of resource and chance for authenticity to ignore those hunches, and follow what you think is ‘logical’, just because your mind is telling you so.

Listening to one’s mind is like relying on a traffic controller to shepherd your thoughts through directions it thinks they logically fit into. However, combining both, emotions and mind power, one can harness two key resources that can best lead us toward what we really want and align them with where we truly wish to go.

Our minds may force us to accept ‘realities’ as a given, and they may lead us to seek and follow a path that deep inside we may not want to be moving in. Our emotions never sleep or lie. They’re always there, and they tell us what our honest attitudes are toward things, yet we mostly choose not to listen to them out of fear to lose our way. Society has created this fear, but has it really allowed us to listen to our own intuition about things? Are we aware enough of our values and life purpose, to an extent where we’d prefer to listen to our inner compasses as opposed to just go with the flow or moving on autopilot?

I believe that no matter how much we may repress our inner hunches (intuition, true selves, etc.), they eventually come forward in a form of rebellion against our own brains and lives. This is where we may choose to draw the line between what we thought was good, and what we really want to be doing instead.

So what do you think? When would you draw the line and decide enough is enough?

Goodwill Thinking

Worry is a misuse of imagination. Dan Zadra

What I have learned from life and coaching is that most people spend more time worrying about troubles than actually thinking of preventing them from happening, or handling them positively after they do. Additionally, what I have learned from my Emotional Intelligence training and research into the brain science is that the tiny amygdala glands, located at the back of our brains, are responsible for having us react to physical as well as non-physical threats in a similar way, and sometimes in the same severity.

One of the main challenges of this age we live in is that most threats (dangers or calls for fear) are distant non-physical ones. They are likely to be perceived more intellectually than through our senses. Yet, our brains are still reacting towards them with similar kinds of chemical messages triggered throughout our bodies. In the past, when a stone man saw a lion, he would consider that an immediate threat, and would respond to it with an instant flight. However, nowadays, if matters related to the success of our work performance, or survival of our business goes badly, we may perceive them as an immediate threat, of which we remain stressed out for a while, even though we may be enjoying the safety and warmth of our homes or offices.

When a stone man fled the danger of facing a lion, he was releasing the built-up tension through physical activity (like running). Physical activity not only offered him an escape from an immediate threat, but also balanced out the adrenalin effect with other feel-good hormones that are normally triggered upon working out, walking, etc. On the other hand, the office person may not get the opportunity to release his/her tension the same way a stone man would. We rarely see a businessman in a suit running down the street. An employee’s feelings of fear may not find a immediate way to channel them out, like a physical activity, due to time restraint and the restrictions of social codes of proper demeanor. In fact, an employee may have a heart attack while sitting in front of his/ her own computer. Even though it is not a lion that might have scared them, but rather a perceived danger that equals to them a similar fear of death.

On the other hand, when fear sustains or builds up on daily basis without a proper channel to release it out, or proper mental contemplation of all the dimensions of the causing factors and possible ways to improve the situation, it turns into a constant stress and prevailing anxiety, which can be described as a prolonged case of perceived danger. If the brain and body think they are constantly being exposed to danger, each day a flood of chemicals will continue to expand its negative effects on them without proper re-channeling of these negative feelings, and this may lead to dangerous health problems.

Therefore, what is required from all of us who live in this day and age, is a positive/ productive perspective, with which we can balance out the modern, complex and stressful challenges. A proper shift in perspective can prove very powerful when it comes to solving a problem. New solutions unfold before our eyes that we may have never thought of before. Although fear (stress) as an instinctive reaction had been built in inside us to help us survive and protect ourselves from danger, thinking while one is relaxed is much more fruitful and successful in supporting us to survive and overcome our troubles.

All of us have problems, but we rarely think of them as positive differentiators from the rest of the people, since our problems tell a story about our lives, they tend to make us unique in that respect, for they can better equip us to handle them as they happen, and allow us to help others who go through similar challenges. Our problems endow our experiences with authenticity. You may not accept advice from someone who has never tasted the same pains you had in the past. Rather, you may be more prone to believing in someone who had been through the same obstacles and problems as you have, and has overcome them successfully in a way that you admire.

Many people may look at their past with a degree of sadness, regret, anger or frustration. Few are the ones who would relate to you the positive side of past experiences. Others may only remember the bad incidents. That can be the result of the significance of their emotional memories of those bad events. On the other hand, changing previously formed underlying beliefs may feel fearful to many of us, even though it may be to our benefit. I have commonly noticed among many people I have spoken with that it is easier and more reassuring for them to hold on to past negative memories and beliefs than committing to new positive perspectives. These people rarely stop to realize that by holding on to past negative emotional memories, they are subconsciously perpetuating the past negative effect of those memories, and refreshing them inside our brains to an extent that we can almost immediately recover all the feelings associated with them. Holding on to past negative underlying beliefs is like convincing ourselves of a fake sense of safety, out of fear of change. For instance, the more we hang on to fearful or hurtful memories, we are falsely protecting ourselves from potential similar experiences in the future. Rather, we are subconsciously sustaining our sadness, pain, hurt, or fear, and may be rejecting the opportunity of a possible and more positive change.

So dragging one’s fears from the past into the present all along to the future, we are not leaving space for unknown future outcomes, which may be positive indeed. Stressing over a matter for a long time, wastes one’s energy, instead of harboring it. This may not be the best formula for achieving future success or happiness, as it does not lead us to feel empowered in the field we wish to seek happiness from. Life’s happenings are fast and many, so if we couple that with the heavy burdens from the past (namely fears, pains, negative perspectives, etc.), then we are setting ourselves for disappointment, falling as prey for stronger competitors, and losing faith in whatever it is that we wish to achieve in life. Time has proven that in times of ordeal, stronger species continue to exist. Strong does not mean “devoid of fear”, but rather “acting productively to overcome fear”.

One of the examples of strong personalities in movies was Scarlet O’hara, who had been through almost every embarrassing situation on the face of the earth, but constantly managed to get out of it with grace, beauty and much pride. One of the sentences that she  constantly repeated whenever she was feeling stressed, overwhelmed or burdened by something was: “I can’t think about that right now. If I do, I’ll go crazy. I’ll think about that tomorrow.” (imdb.com) What a powerful statement! Not only can she purposefully disconnect from her miserable present, she can also control when she would want to think again about it. Wouldn’t this make you realize that feelings, thoughts or even actions are merely choices that we make? Why we make them the way we do is a different case, but they are – at the end of the day – choices. Isn’t this perspective more empowering than feeling blocked or victimized by others? Notice what kind of energy fills you when you realize that you can make more powerful/ positive choices, even with the way you feel about things!

This is where the importance of harboring the habit of goodwill thinking becomes important. Goodwill Thinking is being able to see the positive side of things, regardless of their negativity, and contributing that to the belief that something better is being set up for us in the horizon. The opposite of Goodwill Thinking is Progressive Bitterness towards life, God, or whatever it is that people may deem responsible for their misery.

Generally, in life, when we do what we have got to do, there isn’t really much we can do next to control the outcome of our actions. However, if we change our perspective from a negative one into believing that there is a bigger, stronger and more fair force in the world that has been responsible for ages for maintaining immaculate balance in the entire universe, with all the living and non-living elements it contains, we then may feel supported and privileged that whatever happens – even negative happenings – are there to teach us valuable life lessons. Some lessons may have been harsh or cruel, but with a proper contemplation of the possible lessons derived from them, one may be able to salvage him/ herself or others as a result of this knowledge. When we help others, we help ourselves. Therefore, these lessons came to our as well as others’ benefit. Most people may not believe this, but if they view their experiences from a kind perspective, they may stop judging life, God, or whatever it is that made them miserable. Rather, upon accepting kind thoughts, one then can feel even more powerful, successful and effective.

Goodwill Thinking is the habit of interpreting life’s events from a positive perspective, and trying to maintain hope by seeing them as valuable lessons to use in our future actions. Having faith in a much stronger force frees us from feeling trapped, subdued and pressured to control every single detail or predict their outcome in our lives. On the other hand, this is not to exclude self-responsibility as a key factor in achieving the results we wish to achieve. However, after doing everything we can, and following the plan we had set for our actions, there isn’t much we can do next to control their outcome. We may then want to believe that even if we do not get the desired results, there may be a better alternative awaiting us.

If we trust that the strong and fair force in the world will eventually grant us the results we had planned for or even something better, we may then feel more settled and at peace (i.e. achieving a positive closure of the past so we can start afresh or moving towards the future with optimism). If we do not get what we want, we can either interpret this as the thing we had sought after for a while was never good for us in the first place, or that something else needs to be done to get to it. Things happen for a reason, and no matter how much we stress about achieving them, things continue to fall in their right places.

Every evening I turn my worries over to God. He’s going to be up all night anyway. Mary C. Crowley

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Stepping Into The Unknown With Determination

Many times following my coaching sessions with my coachees, the same question keeps going around in my head: Why do we tie up our own hands?

Regardless of the circumstances or the context of the coaching I would be working on with my coachees, a truth always stands out before my very eyes.

A one-sided humiliating relationship  mistaken for a loving two-way relationship; a client who thinks just because she’s been away from the work market, she would not fit there again despite the fact that she’s been receiving non-stop job offers during her stay at home; another guy who thinks he is not as good as others, and therefore, cannot possibly compete with his rivals, and so on. The examples are diverse, but they highlight the same fact that I discern over and over again: We are tying up our own hands with a pair of non-existent cuffs. I use the word ‘exist’, because in most cases, they are intangible, and may not even exist in their day-to-day reality. They’re mostly driven by the fear of the unknown. I too am guilty of holding myself back  every now and then, because of fear.

One of the blessings in life is that people come from different backgrounds, as this allows them to see other people’s experiences from a totally fresh point of view. If I had the same fears towards their problems as they did, I would not be able to motivate them in anyway. However, the mere fact that every person has a unique perspective towards what they hear and see, reinforces my sense of confidence in that I can help more people every time, which renews my sense of life purpose, and re-ignites my passion to help others.

Coaching is the best career step I have ever made in my life. It ties in together all my previous experiences, and allows me to align with my values and goals. It feels so great when you’re able to achieve a shift in perspective for your coachees. There’s nothing more worthy than to invest in human beings. I choose to do this, as opposed to investing in money as a life purpose. In return for work, I am gaining friendships, and in return of a fortune, I am gaining enough money to make me feel the achievement I am attaining every step of the way.

When I listen to these people’s stories, a voice in my head says: Regardless of the context, we limit their actions towards our goals, due to the strategies of fear that only we know their details, and we do that in prevention of a probable danger (criticism, bully, losses, etc.), mostly an unknown and a non-existent one in the external reality (as opposed to our internal sense of reality).

Byron Katie talks in one of her seminars about the culture of fear that parents and caregivers plant in children’s minds, thinking they are teaching these young souls to be more careful so they stay away from danger. Yet, they don’t teach them that getting hurt and falling down is part of life, and that danger is just as realistic as the floor they’re jumping on.

However, the difference between what parents teach their kids earlier in their lives, and what they (kids growing up into adults) suffer from eventually is that earlier in their lives, the source of instilling those fears was present and dominant, i.e. the parent/ caregiver was mostly standing around the child, and taking care of him/her.

Yet, it seems that as people grow older, they stop needing that teacher of fear to be physically present around them to remind them of those fears. Adults practice what they had learned as kids automatically. This is what I call “tying our own hands with non-existent cuffs”. Whether consciously or subconsciously, these fears are valid and existent (at least in the person’s mind), and because I may have a unique perspective on things, I can’t see these threats affecting me. Not feeling threatened by what threatens other people can help one feel grateful and more confident that I can help them. Simply by hearing a different insight, the listeners may achieve a major shift in their views to certain matters. They start to see how their fears are inside their heads and hearts, and they had been inflicting pain, stress and anxiety upon every part of their bodies. This applies to me. Helping others helps me realize my own fears and feelings, and that’s the beauty of investing in people.

When people create different understandings of pain, hurt, fear, pessimism, rage, anger, disappointment, etc, as the destinations they never wish to get to, in most cases, they end up dwelling there anyway.These people go on their lives carrying their loads of negative emotions toward things that had happened to them in their lives, or toward people who had caused them. However, the difference between this and adult fear is that when one is young, there’s somebody nagging him/her with such negative thoughts.

Despite the painful period of anxiety and stress, it can be undone, mainly by gaining more awareness around them and acting upon motivation. A heightened awareness can lift those invisible cuffs and worries off of our hands and minds. Coupled with a willingness to overcome those fears, it can have a major effect on our lives.

Byron Katie goes on to describe the sheer joy kids experience upon overcoming an adventure. Kids thrive upon delving into the unknown with a completely fresh mind and an energized soul, yearning for more life and adventure. If protecting ourselves from danger is the guarantee of happiness and success, then most cautious and long-living individuals must be the happiest people on earth.

Dr. Suzan Jeffers talks in her book, Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway,  that a good way to combat a feeling of imprisonment or blockage due to some fears we have, we can say to ourselves: “I’ll handle it”. So, when feeling afraid of committing to a certain action, we can say to our brains: If this (failure, hurt, disappointment) happens, I’ll handle it. The brain takes on whatever we tell it. So if we consciously overcome our fears around some things, then our brains can translate that into action in many cases.

We are born with an innate passion for adventure and experimentation as the result is mostly fun. Yet, as we grow older and are required to act and think in certain socially acceptable frameworks,  we may well allow our personal fears turn into cuffs that we accept as limitations to limit ourselves and our potential, in prevention of some unobservable danger.

Remember the image of these two kids jumping into the deep blue sea with total eagerness, energy and optimism. If these kids stop to think of the dangers, they would never experience the fun of such exciting dive. They may get hurt or they may not, but that wouldn’t stop them. That wouldn’t have stopped us when we were their age.

Think of what happened that made you change. Gauge if adventure is needed sometimes to gain some real success in your life. Prepare, plan and prevent danger, but don’t let it stop you from fulfilling your passion.

Free your hands from your invisible cuffs, and take a dive into the unknown. You can only expect more learning and more excitement.

Cheers!

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A Good Traveller Copes With Anything At Any Time

Image via Wikipedia

A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving.

Lao Tzu

Who’s this traveler? Why did Lao Tzu say that despite that he has no fixed plans, he is not intent on arriving?

How could that be? Is the quote promoting recklessness and enjoying the unlimited fun of adventures in traveling? What does Lao Tzu mean with traveling in this quote?

All these are valid questions but the beauty of the quote lies in the provocation it causes to the mind. How could a traveler not prepare for his trip and yet enjoy not arriving to his destination?

Life is an exciting journey, which is very similar to traveling.  You prepare yourself each day and leave your home to a destination on a mission. During your journey, you encounter people, matters and challenges. You may or may not understand those people well enough to fathom why they do what they do. Others you feel you know by heart. Similarly, some of the obstacles you understand their nature, and thus, you deal with them, sometimes on daily basis. Others you stress about for a while until you find the proper solution.

One of the first principles of gaining clarity in your vision is to “know  thyself”, as Socrates once said. Your thoughts dictate your actions, as Dr. Wayne Dyer always explains. So if you form enough knowledge around who you are, what your values, goals and life purpose are, and what your triggers are, the rest may just be understanding what the person in front of you wants and how you can provide that for them.

Knowing thyself spares one a lot of hardship and heartache, because once one understands matters for what they really are, and not what they are ‘supposed to be’, then, reality becomes more acceptable, and your choice of actions may be more relevant to it.

This sounds all too easy, but in application, it is the most purifying action one can do to rid one’s soul of the poisonous feelings, like anger, pain, hurt, fear, sadness, frustration and disappointment.

It’s very important that we keep checking in with ourselves to better understand how we are feeling around a certain matter, what we are thinking of it, and what actions to choose to make that would suit that particular situation. People who develop self-awareness as a key skill in their daily living, thinking and feeling are better able to cope with the different circumstances, to which they are subjected. Navigating their emotions towards matters that show up in their lives, coupled with optimism, provides a safe strategy for them to learn and move on, instead of stagnating in negative emotions (like fear, sadness, etc.)

Good travelers, as Lao Tzu says, overcome adversity as it shows up, hence, they do not need fixed plans as they know which direction they are walking. They can adapt to different circumstances, and continue to move on towards their goals with a renewed determination each time. Such travelers are not obsessed with whether or not they are reaching their destination, because they enjoy learning from the lessons they come across on their journey. They believe more learning leads to more fitness and joy in life.

Some tips on how to be a good traveler in your daily life

- Don’t stagnate and always make an informed move: Solving a problem, finding inner peace, and overcoming challenges lie in the kind of choices you make. If you choose to evade making an action, you’ll stagnate (zero traveling), and you may never attain your goals. Settling with being inside your comfort zone is an unproductive conception that does not lead anywhere. Don’t be afraid to make an informed move, as it is your vehicle toward reaching where you want to be.

- Navigate your emotions wisely: Contemplate a problem from all its corners, consider what your thoughts and feelings are around it, then follow the direction your inner compass (hunch) is pointing to.

- Don’t think of matters from an absolute point of view: The more you isolate different factors, happenings and obstacles, the more you are convincing your brain that what caused your progress to stop was just a temporary thing, and continue to proceed repeatedly with your plan of actions.

- Exercise positive thinking: Always consider at least two ways of looking at the same thing, especially when you have negative emotions towards it. Positive thinking is a habit that trains the brain to generate solutions instead of settling with a false sense of a defected reality.

“The only place where your dream becomes impossible is in your own thinking.” — Robert H. Schuller

Copyright 2012 Wisdom Within Consultancy. All Rights Reserved for Wisdom Within Consultancy, Wisdom Within Coaching.

Nervousness

Do you catch yourself sometimes when you are exhibiting classic signs of nervousness, like shaking your leg while standing or sitting down, feeling a faint trembling in your hands and a fast-palpitating heart, biting your nails, or feeling out of breath and a tightness of chest?

We may have become so used to experiencing these feelings that we have stopped feeling them anymore. Our lives have taken a fast pace and so have we, in terms of responding to daily chores, duties and tasks.

Nervousness can be caused by several causes, to list a few:

• Having been upset previously by someone, yet you have been too busy to respond to them and sort things out. However, you are still carrying the negative emotion at heart.
• Having so many things to do during the limited hours of the day, which gives you a fake sensation that that day will last forever and so will your energy; that you got plenty of time to do whatever you have to do, in addition to extra matters that come up.
• Knowing you can’t accept anymore chores yet you can’t say No to whoever is assigning them to you. Therefore, you end up carrying more than you can bear.
• Wishing to achieve a certain goal, which you remind yourself of every day, yet you keep getting distracted by other matters, which can sometimes be even more urgent than the goal you had set for yourself.

Whatever is causing to subconsciously feel nervous has to be addressed in conscious mode. “The subconscious is a child”, as Byron Katie says, and it believes whatever we are telling it. Therefore, if we gain more awareness around this state of feeling and being (nervousness), we may have more control over our prioritizing mechanism, and the choices that we make on daily basis.

Here are some of the ways, through which you can develop the habit of catching yourself regularly exhibiting signs of stress or nervousness:

- Have a Stop-And-Leave-Your-Spot technique: Always keep checking with yourself on how you feel at that point of the day. As soon as you catch your leg shaking and you feel your blood boiling up to hit the top point of your head, make sure to leave the place where you are (your desk, house, car, etc.) and moving to another spot, where it is safe, refreshing and different. Ask yourself about 3 things: How do you feel? What are your thoughts around the matter in mind? And what are/were the actions corresponding with your feelings and thoughts?

- Do something nice for yourself at least once a day: Keep reminding yourself of it. It does not have to be costly or requires further planning. It can be a simple flower with the color and style that you like.

- Do something nice for other people at least once a day: Doing something nice to others always makes us feel great. It also reminds us of how connected we are to other people, whether they are family or not. Listening can be one effective and inexpensive way to do so.

- Remind yourself of the good things that come your way at the time you go to bed. Never allow anyone to deprive you from your Before-Bedtime thoughts. This is a great opportunity for you to become aware of the day’s events and news, connect with your spiritual self (larger self) through contemplation, which often enables to generate creative solutions to certain problems in your mind.

- Keep reminding yourself of who you are and who you always want to be: You are unique, and so is everyone around you. Do not allow comparing yourself to others to block you, and do not allow comparing others to you make you feel superior. Either way, you are blocking yourself automatically because you are disconnecting from your larger self, larger life purpose.

- Finally, Remember Your Thoughts Translate Into Action: You are what you think, as Dr. Wayne Dyer said repeatedly. The way you thinking of yourself, your life, your kids, etc. is what you are going to have constantly. So end the vicious cycle of self-criticism, pessimism and fear, and try to contemplate more positive concepts about yourself and your life.

You are a truly unique person. If you do not think so, a coach can definitely help you arrive to this proven conclusion.

~~ Cheers ~~