What Are We Without Empathy?

I was watching the other day a documentary about a serial killer and how he tortured his victims. I hate such types of programs yet what interests me about them is how the criminals they talk about can ‘have the heart’ to hurt fellow human beings or even anything living at all. The documentary explained eventually that when the criminal’s brain was scanned, it was concluded that the special place for Empathy inside his brain had been damaged in an accident when he was a child, for which reason, he was feeling no pity nor repentance while committing those crimes.

This all drove me to wonder ‘WHAT are we without empathy?’, and the reason why I am choosing to use the word ‘what’ as opposed to ‘who’ is because the latter indicates that the individual is still considered a human being, which may entail that he or she may actually have feelings underneath the corrupted crust inside his or her brain.

So ‘what’ do we become without empathy?

In order to answer that, we should have a look at what Empathy means and entails.

Dr. Daniel Goleman in his world-famous book “Emotional Intelligence: Why EQ Matters More Than IQ” mentions an incident in Germany, whereby a bike driver had been hit by a car, and remained laying flat to the side of the road completely ignored. He said drivers in surrounding cars were looking at him without feelings/impressions on their faces awaiting their traffic lights to turn green.  It may seem surprising to you or to most of us, but obviously it wasn’t surprising to those fellow drivers who didn’t even care to take that poor biker to the hospital.

Some may say that in this day and age, chivalry has almost disappeared from our glossary. There may not be time for it basically. Also, since time equals money to most of us, then actions that may delay us, can be easily assessed as futile. Some may say that life has become all about money. Others may acknowledge that and still see that there are those who are considered leaders socially who always make this extra step that no one else seems willing to do, without asking anything in return, and despite the fact that he or she may be late to their appointments as a result.

So it boils down to one’s ethics too. So for example, if a manager appreciates the concepts of family, he may not accept that his employees remain after working hours trying to make ends meet, because he may value and acknowledge that his employees actually deserve a rest, family time and right to have a life. Therefore, meanwhile he may push his employees’ performance and urge them to progress with more passion, he would still remind them that work is just part of their lives, and not a reason to forget about life.

However, when we say ethics, we may associate that with a higher brain functionality, one that is totally contradictory to the basic needs (instincts) of a primitive mind. Yet in fact, ethics can also be an organic product of one’s feelings and one’s own level of emotional intelligence. It is like having  looking inward towards yourselves and emotions with the same lens, through which you look on other people’s feelings outside of you, thus, being able to establish an understanding or a connection between you and them. The more you learn to discern your emotions, the more expert you become in doing that, which in turn translates into better relationships and success in connecting with others. In other words, it is said that one who understands one’s own feelings is usually more effective in responding to other people’s feelings in return. This goes along the famous quote by Plato: “Know Thyself“.

So empathy basically is discerning your own emotions and learning to discern others’ the same way, to a degree that you put yourself in their place and imagine how it would be to be experiencing what they experience. Sounds too much, especially in this fast-paced age, but actually we see aspects of empathy wherever we go. As a matter of fact, it has been proven scientifically that we are wired for empathy. For example, if we watch someone down the street walking with a heavy stack of books or boxes, we automatically shrink our faces and imagine that we are the ones who are carrying that load.

Empathy (Photo credit: TonZ)

Empathy is also proven to exit naturally in human from a very young age, like when a child sees another child that’s crying. It automatically starts crying too. If a child sees happy kids, he or she automatically starts mimicking that in return. Even most animals have different degrees of genuine empathy. We can see this in a mother animal caressing her children, or when we see two swans leaning their heads against one another forming a shape of a heart.

So how would a natural quality that allows humans, despite all of their differences (age, race, faith, gender, etc.) connect and unit with one another any time anywhere? How valuable is this unique quality to us? Are we willing to oppress it or improve it?  Is it worth stopping to help out someone who seems in dire need of help?

On the other hand, what happens if we oppress our own feelings of empathy? Does this make us less human? What would a person become without empathy? I was thinking of all these questions,and realized that human fixation can be as deep as a black hole. The more one looks inwards, the more experiences one is exposed to. It also depends on the way you are looking. For example, there are those who look inwards with a loner’s attitude, reminiscing of a happy past or negatively dwelling on how unlucky one had always been. The result of such perspective conjures up even more sadness, loneliness, sense of isolation and negativity. Also, too much inward fixation can lead to a major shift of attention to the outside world and the healthy human need to socialize with other people and integrate with new potential happy encounters. When one is too focused on pitying oneself, the less empathy one is going to feel for others, thus the more distant one may become to surrounding happenings and people around one or in the world.

Empathy is said to bring people closer to one another by being able to identify with each other’s feelings and needs. It is also said to be the mother of compassion. Alfred Adler described it as “seeing with the eyes of another, listening with the ears of another, and feeling with the heart of another.”

Eyebrows can also help portray empathy. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

On the other hand, individuals with an abusive or aggressive past may lack empathy too, as their past experiences may have turned them into beast-like humans: aggressive, selfish or a victim to one’s own primitive instincts that once they get fulfilled, one may repetitively yearn for more. Some scientist once said such individuals become more like vampires or human predators. Vampires don’t have empathy, and the more they drain a human of blood, the more blood they crave.  However, both modes (the introvert and predator) can share one common tendency, which is to constantly seek sensual satisfaction through whichever way possible, and they can become not deterred by ethical or moral inhibitions that a healthy person shuns away from.

So all that brings us to the main question, which is the title of this article: What (not Who) Are We Without Empathy?

“A human being is a part of a whole, called by us “universe”, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest… a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.”  Albert Einstein

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Who Would You Be Without Your Story?

Byron Katie so wisely repeatedly asks her clients: “Who would you be without your story?“

This question has fascinated me the moment I heard it.

Of course this question can be understood in two ways: One way is who would you be if whatever happened to you in your life (that forms your life story) never happened?

The other meaning is the implication of what kind of person you have become as a result of having experienced your story in your life. In this article, I am using this meaning.

I have dealt with so many people who told me their stories in such heartfelt manner that was bound to capture my listening. Their fears, worries, pains, and memories formed unique constellations of meanings and emotions that demanded my respect and admiration for the strength they did not know they had.

When people talk about their problems, they do not immediately realize that the mere thing that aches them is the source of insight in their lives. The human psyche and brain are two miraculous creatures that are worth nothing but respect.

I see with people shedding their tears over stories that break their hearts. I hear people talk about themselves as if they were inferior or less perfect than others whom they admire. I deal with people who feel deep sadness or shame for leading unproductive lives, and wishing for ones that are more perfect.

I always listen to them with so much respect and say: Who would you be without your story? If you meet someone who is going through exactly the same story, you’d have so much knowledge and support for them, which will help them find solutions, like you did.

Our stories differentiate us and make us unique. Our ways of reacting to them is the signature we leave in this world. Why feel ashamed of it if with the knowledge you got out of it, you can help tens of people going through the same circumstances?

It’s important not to dwell on the past, but to harness the experience you got from it in ways that will help others around you. We all have problems, but the best of us are those who use the seed of knowledge in planting trees, whose fruits can brighten (benefit) other people’s lives.

I always invite people to remember who they really are and who they truly wish to be in this life.

In conclusion, there are two powerful questions that sum up what a person is all about:

What is your story? (Past)

and

What legacy do you wish to leave in this world? (Future)

A Tried Method: Using Psychology to Get to Students

Expat Corner Articles and common questions from expats

Mar 13, 2012By Michael Robinson, eChinacities.com  

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For the great many of us out there who are English teachers, we all face the common problem each day of figuring out how to reach our students. Some students respond quite well, and others require you to cram the lesson down their throats in order to get them to participate. It’s one of our daily challenges, and the ability to transfer ideas from your head into theirs is one of the key qualities of a good teacher.

Photo: theepochtimes.com

There are a few mechanisms that the brain does which we might call “learning”. Chinese students must rely on one mechanism exclusively in order to pass the high pressure, high importance examinations: memorization. Anyone who has taught has seen the reflex behaviour of Chinese students when they walk into the room: books open, pens out, ready to snap up as much vocabulary words as they can.

Then the foreign teacher, who has most likely not been raised in an environment that requires unending repetition of vocabulary, starts asking questions, resulting in numerous blank, confused, anxious stares. The body language and facial expressions of these students say one thing: “You are not sticking to the script and it is scary, please give us vocabulary words and sentences to repeat”.

Here is one possible solution to this problem.

The Ben Franklin Effect

The story goes that Ben Franklin was a generally likeable person with opinions that most people could get behind…with the exception of one particularly fierce and unforgiving rival. After this rival took a sharp jab at Franklin (intellectually and socially of course), the young Ben Franklin decided enough was enough. He was determined to make this adversary his friend, not by kowtowing and flattery, but with the kind of sheer skill that should come from the future founder of a country.

Knowing his opponent was an avid book lover with an extensive book collection, Ben actually went to his adversary and asked him for a favour—specifically to borrow a very rare book from the rival’s extensive library. Shocked that the man who he had spent many days degrading would ask him for help, he actually gave Ben Franklin the tome—which was eventually sent back with Mr. Franklin’s warmest thanks. The two remained best of friends for the rest of their lives.

Ben, being the clever chap that he was, knew about the incredible power of cognitive dissonance—the discomfort that comes from holding two competing beliefs at the same time. This adversary had spent a great amount of time and energy attacking and lambasting him on every conceivable subject, which by normal logic would make him an irreconcilable enemy. However, Ben did the exact opposite and treated this enemy as a friend. This created a psychological conflict:

My enemy just asked me for a favourà enemies do not ask their opponents for favours à this person is my friend

Human beings like their psychological world to be neat, orderly, and most importantly, without conflict. When two bits of knowledge seem to cancel each other out, a person experiences tension and uncertainty about what is true—an uncomfortable experience to say the least. This experience—cognitive dissonance—gives us the mechanisms for which old, outdated information can be replaced with new, factual information. Wait a minute…old, worn out information replaced with new? Enter language learning in China!

Using cognitive dissonance to reach your students

Now rote memorization does have its place too—times tables would be a monumental pain without them, and basic maths would become nigh impossible. However, when it comes to learning and speaking another language, the power of cognitive dissonance cannot be matched. The onus of energy moves from the teacher onto the student, who on accepting that two competing ideas are true, will be hanging on every word in order to ensure that the ideas in their head work in harmony once again.

Using this power is much easier than you might think:

1. Find your students’ basic assumptions

   We all have some things we assume about life simply because nobody has shown us reason to believe otherwise. You are there to teach English, so they have already accepted that what you will tell them is correct—therefore there is no energy or effort put into defending their English skills. However the purpose of using cognitive dissonance is not simply to teach—but to build a rapport that will allow future lessons to be accepted eagerly. These assumptions are the target for your psychological smart-bomb.

2. Look for common ground

   Everyone in some way has common ground with another person. Even if you are from a completely different culture or background from your students, it is possible to find something that you can identify with. Finding common ground, like Ben Franklin’s mutual love of books, provides the connection that you need to reach them. The kicker here is that you must desire to find common ground with your students; arrogance will be seen as a threat and the plan will backfire.

3. Present a situation that runs contrary to their basic assumptions, while supporting the common ground

Once a student has accepted that you both have something in common, this part becomes incredibly easy. Simply show them that you, a person who is like them, have a different experience or point of view that you would like to share with them. An example would be to share a personal story (real or fictional) that shows you have an emotional investment in their well-being, and do it in a fashion that your students will accept. Your students will see that you, a person who is similar to them, is trying to connect with them on a level that most teachers will not.  From this, any previous ideas they had about you will conflict with the new information they have been given—and the process of cognitive dissonance begins.

Turning a boring lesson around

It happens every so often that I am given a lesson plan on energy and natural resources to teach. This lesson is so incredibly dull and uninspired that it often puts my students to sleep if I stick to it exactly, especially if my students are young (as they often are). Normally I heavily “modify” this particular plan as to fit the needs of my students. However on one particular day, my supervisor was especially keen on ensuring that I stuck exactly to the subject matter. Upon walking into the classroom, I saw to my dismay that my students were all in the throes of middle school, and upon beginning the class showed absolutely no interest in the subject matter at all.  It would take some extra effort to convince them this was important.

 

First I asked them a series of boring questions about energy, the kind they were already prepared for. These were followed by a very personal and direct question, for which they were unprepared: “Do you care about this lesson?”

Shocked, the students answered truthfully with various polite versions of “No”.

“I understand,” I said, and explained this was because energy simply came to them and did not need to be thought about, so long as the lights work and the water is hot. To this they agreed. We had reached a mutual understanding and the breaking of their ideas could begin.

I thereafter gave the most graphic descriptions of where their energy comes from. I described, sparing no detail, of my visit to a McDonald’s beef factory and the plight of a friend who comes from an oil producing nation in Africa. These are not pretty stories—they are stories of power, pain, and wealth beyond our most fantastic imaginations—and the very human cost of things that we take for granted. My students, who formerly were sleeping and uninterested, were now glued to their seats and asking a whole slew of questions that they could not be bothered with even an hour prior. Their old idea, “energy does not relate to me”, was no longer relevant due to the information relayed onto them—that their food and the stuff that powers their precious cell phones and QQ comes with a terrible and carefully hidden cost.  The power of cognitive dissonance has succeeded once again.

Simple, powerful, and used incessantly throughout time, cognitive dissonance is the difference between a teacher and a mentor. Now that you know a little bit about it, for those of you that choose to try, I hope that you will find only success in your quest to be a better teacher.

Or become the founding father of a new country—whichever works for you.

Stepping Into The Unknown With Determination

Many times following my coaching sessions with my coachees, the same question keeps going around in my head: Why do we tie up our own hands?

Regardless of the circumstances or the context of the coaching I would be working on with my coachees, a truth always stands out before my very eyes.

A one-sided humiliating relationship  mistaken for a loving two-way relationship; a client who thinks just because she’s been away from the work market, she would not fit there again despite the fact that she’s been receiving non-stop job offers during her stay at home; another guy who thinks he is not as good as others, and therefore, cannot possibly compete with his rivals, and so on. The examples are diverse, but they highlight the same fact that I discern over and over again: We are tying up our own hands with a pair of non-existent cuffs. I use the word ‘exist’, because in most cases, they are intangible, and may not even exist in their day-to-day reality. They’re mostly driven by the fear of the unknown. I too am guilty of holding myself back  every now and then, because of fear.

One of the blessings in life is that people come from different backgrounds, as this allows them to see other people’s experiences from a totally fresh point of view. If I had the same fears towards their problems as they did, I would not be able to motivate them in anyway. However, the mere fact that every person has a unique perspective towards what they hear and see, reinforces my sense of confidence in that I can help more people every time, which renews my sense of life purpose, and re-ignites my passion to help others.

Coaching is the best career step I have ever made in my life. It ties in together all my previous experiences, and allows me to align with my values and goals. It feels so great when you’re able to achieve a shift in perspective for your coachees. There’s nothing more worthy than to invest in human beings. I choose to do this, as opposed to investing in money as a life purpose. In return for work, I am gaining friendships, and in return of a fortune, I am gaining enough money to make me feel the achievement I am attaining every step of the way.

When I listen to these people’s stories, a voice in my head says: Regardless of the context, we limit their actions towards our goals, due to the strategies of fear that only we know their details, and we do that in prevention of a probable danger (criticism, bully, losses, etc.), mostly an unknown and a non-existent one in the external reality (as opposed to our internal sense of reality).

Byron Katie talks in one of her seminars about the culture of fear that parents and caregivers plant in children’s minds, thinking they are teaching these young souls to be more careful so they stay away from danger. Yet, they don’t teach them that getting hurt and falling down is part of life, and that danger is just as realistic as the floor they’re jumping on.

However, the difference between what parents teach their kids earlier in their lives, and what they (kids growing up into adults) suffer from eventually is that earlier in their lives, the source of instilling those fears was present and dominant, i.e. the parent/ caregiver was mostly standing around the child, and taking care of him/her.

Yet, it seems that as people grow older, they stop needing that teacher of fear to be physically present around them to remind them of those fears. Adults practice what they had learned as kids automatically. This is what I call “tying our own hands with non-existent cuffs”. Whether consciously or subconsciously, these fears are valid and existent (at least in the person’s mind), and because I may have a unique perspective on things, I can’t see these threats affecting me. Not feeling threatened by what threatens other people can help one feel grateful and more confident that I can help them. Simply by hearing a different insight, the listeners may achieve a major shift in their views to certain matters. They start to see how their fears are inside their heads and hearts, and they had been inflicting pain, stress and anxiety upon every part of their bodies. This applies to me. Helping others helps me realize my own fears and feelings, and that’s the beauty of investing in people.

When people create different understandings of pain, hurt, fear, pessimism, rage, anger, disappointment, etc, as the destinations they never wish to get to, in most cases, they end up dwelling there anyway.These people go on their lives carrying their loads of negative emotions toward things that had happened to them in their lives, or toward people who had caused them. However, the difference between this and adult fear is that when one is young, there’s somebody nagging him/her with such negative thoughts.

Despite the painful period of anxiety and stress, it can be undone, mainly by gaining more awareness around them and acting upon motivation. A heightened awareness can lift those invisible cuffs and worries off of our hands and minds. Coupled with a willingness to overcome those fears, it can have a major effect on our lives.

Byron Katie goes on to describe the sheer joy kids experience upon overcoming an adventure. Kids thrive upon delving into the unknown with a completely fresh mind and an energized soul, yearning for more life and adventure. If protecting ourselves from danger is the guarantee of happiness and success, then most cautious and long-living individuals must be the happiest people on earth.

Dr. Suzan Jeffers talks in her book, Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway,  that a good way to combat a feeling of imprisonment or blockage due to some fears we have, we can say to ourselves: “I’ll handle it”. So, when feeling afraid of committing to a certain action, we can say to our brains: If this (failure, hurt, disappointment) happens, I’ll handle it. The brain takes on whatever we tell it. So if we consciously overcome our fears around some things, then our brains can translate that into action in many cases.

We are born with an innate passion for adventure and experimentation as the result is mostly fun. Yet, as we grow older and are required to act and think in certain socially acceptable frameworks,  we may well allow our personal fears turn into cuffs that we accept as limitations to limit ourselves and our potential, in prevention of some unobservable danger.

Remember the image of these two kids jumping into the deep blue sea with total eagerness, energy and optimism. If these kids stop to think of the dangers, they would never experience the fun of such exciting dive. They may get hurt or they may not, but that wouldn’t stop them. That wouldn’t have stopped us when we were their age.

Think of what happened that made you change. Gauge if adventure is needed sometimes to gain some real success in your life. Prepare, plan and prevent danger, but don’t let it stop you from fulfilling your passion.

Free your hands from your invisible cuffs, and take a dive into the unknown. You can only expect more learning and more excitement.

Cheers!

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